Pooped

I'm exhausted. I'm tired of trying to figure out if I'm hungry or not. I'm tired of thinking about food. I'm tired of being scared shitless of returning to my previous weight (or more!). I find myself on the verge of bursting into tears numerous times of day just because I feel so hopeless about this process.


Here's a sample conversation from today:
Geebie: I can't really tell if I'm hungry. That cup of cereal in your bag sounds really really good right now. Can I have it?

Edith: I can't believe you, Geebie--really? You just ate breakfast. 

Geebie: but I'm supposed to eat more if I'm hungry and it sounds good. And I'm supposed to try eating at different times when I feel different sensations to learn what true hunger feels like.

Edith: You KNOW what true hunger feels like. It feels like you could eat a million apples and a bag of carrots and never be full. It feels like your chest is tight and your throat is screaming for food. THAT is hunger.  If you eat before that point, you're obviously a fatty at heart.

Geebie: but how am I ever supposed to learn how to feed myself ?

Edith: It doesn't matter that you learn. You just need me around to tell you exactly when and what you should eat. Leave it to me.

Geebie: It was a lot easier when you were telling me exactly what to do. And I feel really scared. 

Nanner: Geebie! Don't listen to Edith...she doesn't know how to take care of you.  Remember, if you start eating and it doesn't taste good, you don't have to eat it. And if you eat a little too much, your body won't ask you for more until it needs it.  So don't worry :)


This type of conversation happened a bunch of times today. And it wore me out.

Also, I'm just plain ol' tired from not sleeping enough. I can't wait to go to bed tonight.