I set this blog up a while back and haven't actually posted anything. I was originally intending to use this blog to give voice to the personas that have been occupying my head for most of my life. I think I'll still do that, but also use this as a space to reflect directly on my struggles in combating my recently diagnosed ED and the underlying self-worth issues I've been working to overcome.
I've had some tough days recently. I'm trying to learn how to eat intuitively, but I'm really struggling to know what my body needs. When the signals are clear, it's easy and I'm amazed by how effortless it seems. But then, especially in the evenings when my stomach doesn't feel as hungry, I still get a strong urge to eat from the back of my throat. It feels like I'm thirsty, but drinking water doesn't make it go away for more than a few minutes.
So I obsess. And I can't concentrate on my work. And then Edith steps in and says, "How can you NOT know? If you can't tell, you're obviously not hungry. And just THINKING about eating is proof that you're no good. You should be studying--you're in med school for chrissake! Get your head in the game! You are so hopeless. I can't believe you thought you could get rid of me so easily. You obviously still need me to keep you from losing control."
But now, Geebie, she just doesn't know what to do. Nanner told her to stand up for herself, to give herself what she needs. And when her tummy tells her to eat, she knows what to do and gobbles the food up and feels great about it. But she's never experienced this throat thing without her belly being empty. And she's so skinny and forlorn that she figures it can't hurt to overeat if she isn't truly hungry. And so she goes into the kitchen.
Edith is HOT on her heels, like a sheep dog, peering over her shoulder. WIth every food Geebie considers--the basil pasta or the TVP spaghetti sauce? the cereal? maybe some oatmeal?--Edith just can't resist the opportunity to interject her opinion.
"you just don't want to do your work. You are so bad. What a failure. Only total losers can't focus when they need to. And you're OBVIOUSLY not hungry...your fat belly isn't even growling. You are about to traverse one slippery slope. If you start eating when you're not hungry, you're going to FAIL at intuitive eating. Stop hoping now because you're never going to get it."
So Geebie, nibbling on this and that, feels her stomach clench and a wash of shame run over her, from the top of her head, through her tummy and all the way down to her skinny cold toes. And she looks around for Nanner, but Nanner is exhausted from reassuring Geebie and supporting her all day. Geebie quickly drops the handful of popcorn and runs back to her desk. She doesn't feel hungry now, and she's terrified of facing the consequences of her mistakes. She obviously can't be trusted to know what to do. EVER.
Last night ended for me in heaving sobs, but I reached out to BH (my partner) and asked for support. Even a month ago I wouldn't have done this. Edith would have locked Geebie in her room. But Nanner has the keys now, and even if she wasn't on the ball last night, she had at least taken away Edith's ability to isolate Geebie.
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