Progression of Voices

I've had a couple of days of more "intuitive" eating, including some drinks last night.  I'm really struggling with the idea that I might be heavier than I (edit: Edith) want (s m) to be if I'm at my body's happiest weight.

Edith: sure, you think you're giving your body what it needs. But look at yourself in the mirror.  You like the way that's looks, right?  And you don't want to gain any weight, right?  Well, if you don't want to gain, you need to restrict.  If you start eating what you want, you're going to balloon.

And you know that you don't want that. Because being bigger is bad.

Geebs: but it feels so good to eat what I want. And I want to be healthy!

Edith: but people will think you're lazy and have no control over what you eat.  And since that's the absolute measure of worth, well, you're just not going to measure up.  And then you're going to hate yourself and be miserable.

Geebie: I don't think that's right. but I don't know what to think anymore. I like that I'm starting to look a little bit softer, but I don't want to get fat!  And I don't want to be unhealthy! But wait, being healthy doesn't necessarily mean being skinnier.  And I really like that I got my period.  Not getting my period is not healthy, and if I don't get my period when I'm skinny, then I know that skinny isn't healthy for me, even if some people can be skinny and healthy.

And...I know that I like being around in Shel's head a whole lot more when you're not around.  I LIKE to be there and I like to see what's going on. She has a lot of really cool things going on in there that I don't get to see when you're around. And when you're there, she isn't as nice to other people.  Especially not Ben. And she's not nice to me.  Or to herself.  You make her really really unhappy.  In fact,I've never seen her smile when you're around.  But she likes me to be there. And she likes to know I'm there.  But you hide me and I hate you for that.

You've been hiding me for too long.  You tried to kill me Edith, and that is NOT okay.  You are no good to anyone.  YOU are worthless.  YOU are bad.  YOU make other people unhappy.  Not me, Not shel, YOU.

I don't want you to talk to me anymore.